Zzzzzzz

Type snoring in Google Images and it will present you endless images of impossibly good looking couples who look like at some point or another they have featured in a Daily Mail article about how snoring can give you cancer, and only socialists and people who think the environment is a "good thing" snore. Sorry, getting little carried away thinking about the Daily Mail.

Seriously though, snoring has got to be one of the crappest things. Any poor sod who isn't participating is basically stuck, listening to someone else sleep. Unless you're the one sleeping, it's a pretty fucking boring activity to participate in.

The donkey sanctuary is one of the largest equine charities in the world with an annual income and expenditure of £22 million.

I'm not the kind of person who gets soppy over animals, and so it's almost beyond me as to HOW they raise so much money every year for these donkeys.

I say almost, because in doing some dedicated research for this blog (as you do) I had a look at their website... I would now be prepared to give away my life savings, my salary and all of my worldly possessions, just so I could see this donkey every day.

Impressive.

Conversations with Jeremy (part 1)

A series of extracts from e-mail conversations had between myself (Mark) and my good friend J (Jeremy) who is also a girl. We are not trying to be like Mark and Jeremy from Peep Show...we were just born that way.

J: Pirhana 3d. Talk to me.

M: Highlights include, piranhas with a damn good sense of humour, mid way through the film 15 minutes of literally herds of irritating moronic teeny highschool types being slaughtered.

J: Pirhana, sex, gore, what more do you need in a film? Was there a romance between pirhana and human at any point?

**********************************************************************************

J: I have had a fairly productive day today. I took charge of 'knowledge transfer' where I had to set up a conference call and teach people how to use programme which I've never even used myself. They seemed convinced. I figure if you act confident then people just assume that you know what you are on about and beleive you. I heard that's what criminals do; they just walk in with a high vis jacket and a clipboard and steal people's lives

**********************************************************************************

M: I am quite envious, it sounds like you are having "fun". I generally tend to disapprove of fun. I have ceased to even have fun in my dreams - last night I dreamt the dog peed on the floor. Which he had done, about 4 hours earlier.

*********************************************************************************

J: They don’t call me the human cock block for nothing.

*********************************************************************************

J: I’m so tired and I’ve got to go and talk in my posh voice to lawyers tonight when really i’d like to lay around in my pants and eat dairy milk

*********************************************************************************
J: Sorry to hear about your massive blazing row with the mothership did it go along these lines?
get a job
im trying
not hard enough
fuck off
dont speak to me like that
im going out

that's how my arguments with my mother tend to go.

M: It did go remarkably like that. Except I was told: "get a grip" and "you don't talk about your emotions enough". I was like, I'm trying to get a bloody grip and I don't talk about my emotions with anyone so it's nothing personal. Then it descended into

fuck off
don't talk to me like that
sorry
you should be
fuck off
(repeat)

I am not Hugh Grant, people

So far, the most difficult time in my life has to be when I looked an unfortunate amount like Hugh Grant. They were dark times, but I can't deny I did enjoy the faux celebrity attention.

Hey it's Hugh Grant! People would shout at me across the street. I used to love watching the excitement fade as they crossed said street and saw that in reality, I am really quite a different person. It took some "fans" longer than others though, my rigidly British upbringing tended to mean that I would descend into an apologetic mumbling mess (for not being Hugh Grant) which was not unlike the great man himself. It always ended up being awkward.*

I'm over it now though, it's ok.

*None of this is true.

5 Horsley facts

Gin + Milk = ERROR

I'm never going to be famous; not with a surname like Horsley

Networking is the most excruciating way to spend your time

Twitter is better than Facebook

Both are better than Bebo