Conversations with Jeremy (part 1)

A series of extracts from e-mail conversations had between myself (Mark) and my good friend J (Jeremy) who is also a girl. We are not trying to be like Mark and Jeremy from Peep Show...we were just born that way.

J: Pirhana 3d. Talk to me.

M: Highlights include, piranhas with a damn good sense of humour, mid way through the film 15 minutes of literally herds of irritating moronic teeny highschool types being slaughtered.

J: Pirhana, sex, gore, what more do you need in a film? Was there a romance between pirhana and human at any point?

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J: I have had a fairly productive day today. I took charge of 'knowledge transfer' where I had to set up a conference call and teach people how to use programme which I've never even used myself. They seemed convinced. I figure if you act confident then people just assume that you know what you are on about and beleive you. I heard that's what criminals do; they just walk in with a high vis jacket and a clipboard and steal people's lives

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M: I am quite envious, it sounds like you are having "fun". I generally tend to disapprove of fun. I have ceased to even have fun in my dreams - last night I dreamt the dog peed on the floor. Which he had done, about 4 hours earlier.

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J: They don’t call me the human cock block for nothing.

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J: I’m so tired and I’ve got to go and talk in my posh voice to lawyers tonight when really i’d like to lay around in my pants and eat dairy milk

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J: Sorry to hear about your massive blazing row with the mothership did it go along these lines?
get a job
im trying
not hard enough
fuck off
dont speak to me like that
im going out

that's how my arguments with my mother tend to go.

M: It did go remarkably like that. Except I was told: "get a grip" and "you don't talk about your emotions enough". I was like, I'm trying to get a bloody grip and I don't talk about my emotions with anyone so it's nothing personal. Then it descended into

fuck off
don't talk to me like that
sorry
you should be
fuck off
(repeat)